Its been a long time...

Its been a long time since I have blogged... :)
So much thing to share...where should I start first?

ok..now I regretted not blogging every day...dont like to make LONG entries, make me sound like AhMa..

Let's say starting with today...

Amazing!!! Its coming back again, His tangible presence. I have waited so long for this.
God thanks for everything today...
When I see them all manifesting in His presence, I can't help but to cry. It was a cry of love. Its like I am experiencing together with them. Their pain and sorrow its so real, tears just began to flow down. It started on Friday discipleship class...

Nono..it started with darren...that week I feel His anointing. But it was not enough and I ask for more. And He gave me more. Fri discipleship was tiring...but it was good. I learnt many things from Holy Spirit. God, think this time I really accepted my calling.

The moment I obey Him, everything just seemed to work in places. I remember making that 'silly' prayer to God, "I dont want to do deliverance, its so tiring, can't I just be a normal CGL, take CG, preach and go home." And as a prayer answering God, He took it away from me. That was the lowest point in my life. Nothing seems to work, and everything just fall apart. I was so discouraged that I thought I must have heard it wrongly. I am not meant to be a CGL. But then HS reminded me of that prayer I made. I made the silliest prayer in my whole life and that is I rejected my calling.

But God just never give up ya? The verse Luke 4:18-19 just keep on coming back to me. Whatever things I do, I just can't forget that verse. That when HS came upon me, I have to set the captives free and preach the gospel. "Set the captives free...Set the captives free..."

It just keep on ringing in my head and I got so frustrated...and I have to give up. I just cant fight with God. I know I will lose. I know God has called me to do deliverance. Its like it flows with me wherever I go. I didnt meant to do deliverance, not this week...but when I lay hands it just came.

Everytime when it come, I can feel HS asking me, "Are you ready, Amber? I am coming..." then tears will flow down... and I will say "Yes, ever ready." And then I will feel that I am no longer myself anymore. Its like HS just came in my life and took control. Whatever He says I listen and I follow. He says pray for this and I will go, He says not this one now and I will obey. I never feel more in union with God than at the point of time. Its a very different feeling. He will open my eyes to see the pain that those people are experiencing. And He will tell me that if I pray for this, what will happen. And He will say, "Go on Amber, lay your hands and try it."

I remember the first time when I feel this compassion coming in my life was during one simple altar call that pastor was giving. That day I was standing in front. Not because I was responding but because I was helping to direct the people. Then all of a sudden, I can't move and then everyone that comes down, its like HS begin to whisper to me "This one just quarrel with family." "This just broke up with GF." "This person has the intention to backslide away from God." "This person has much fear in life." "This person needs love"...etc. It was like all of a sudden I can hear everyone' cries in my heart. It was so real yet so impossible. I remember freezing there for a moment and then I just begin to tear and tear. That amount of pain I feel in my heart. Amazing. It was like a partake of Jesus suffering on the cross. And then from then on, I feel my life was never the same again. I become more sensitive to Holy Spirit. It was like on that day, in my cries, I have signed a life-long contract with God. A big D....deliverance.

Then not long after that Cg seems to have move in that direction as well. Ocassionally, we will have deliverance. And somehow I got rather sick because I will be so tired at the end. And that was when I made that silly prayer...and all of a sudden it was gone...

I thought I will be happier but it was not true. I feel worse than before. I try to be as good a CGL as I can to the people, but somehow I am missing that touch.

But to have that anointing, it can be as simple as a prayer but it takes a whole life of commitment. How do I explain it? Take for e.g, Benny Hinn, He has a healing anointing and He has to do that for the rest of His life, because if He dont do it, God will just take it away from Him. So for me to have that, I really have to make a whole life of commitment to God, that I will only use that gift to glorify Him and I have to use it for the rest of my life.

I wonder did people like Benny Hinn, Mike Cornell went through what I did? Do they think like how I think? It takes courage to accept gift from God especially when you know the price you have to pay. Well it is a gift for free, you dont have to pay for it, Jesus did, but because it is a gift from God, He expects you to use it and use it well. Thats the scary part, tremendous responsibility. I know God loves me and He wants me to use this gift for His people. When I talk about this gift, it is more than just getting anointed when you go for mission trips or normal CG altar call. This is a gift that God has decided to give you for life. I cant run from it and I cant hide. Its like I just have it. When I hide from it, I feel dead. When I run away, I feel meaningless. I just have to say YES!

So I got the gift, and it flows from me today, the anointing I feel today...I miss it. exactly how I feel months ago before it left me but now stronger. More conviction, boldness and compassion. And it seems really funny to see how they try to hide from me. I remember I was going to walk towards torance and he just keep on shaking his head, like saying No No, He just didnt want me to lay my hands on him. Well he said later he has no recollection of hiding from me. When I lay hands on Chinming, He too try to run away from me. Interesting about Judith....I remember saying this to her which I dont really feel its from me. I said, "You know I am coming for you, dont you? You know you are the next one, and you are scared." At first she remained calm but she just sit there lifeless and I remember saying, "Its time for you to come out in Jesus name, you are already defeated 2000yrs ago," then she just manifested. Hers was a long one. but yet it was unsuccessful. not because God didnt want to deliver her, but she was not willing to let go. But I believe in my heart, it wont be long before God will deliver her again.

During CG, when I lay hands on Zhihao, he just begin to manifest. Let out a cry that shock me for a while, then all of a sudden, I just keep on crying. He was crying in pain of hurt and failure, and for that moment, I just feel like I was going through with him. I cant stop crying at all and then HS showed me the cross and I saw Jesus there. And He said, "Tell them every sin, failure and guilt has been paid for on the cross." I say, "Yes." and I begin to move on. Next was Tongheng. that one was hard. He clutched his hand so tightly. Didnt want me to lay hands on him, I just have to be firm, honestly I was abit clueless what to do, because I know He do talk to spirits. And then HS said, "remember the cross, and you need compassion to deliver him." So I close my eyes and ask for compassion, then suddenly I feel as though I was tongheng. I feel his insecurities, guilt and condemnation. I woke him up from his daze, expalined briefly what I am going to do, he nod his head and say he is ready. And then I begin to pray for him. Presence of God came one more time....and he was finally delivered! By that time, God's presence has already filled the whole room. It was tremendous, people was crying and worshipping God! But I have to end, cause its time for group 2.

Group 2 was another amazing time with God. When I lay hands on Joey, I just cry together with her. so much unloved she is going through. I cant do anything but just to pray that she will understand that God loves her the most! She manifested as well. Next I just move on to pray for them, some of them begin to fall on the floor and cry uncontrollably. Then I could feel a very thick presence of God and I move on to Anita. Didnt even touch her she was already tearing...the moment I lay hands on her, her whole body vibrate and she cried in a 'howling' voice. She keep on shaking and I can feel her pain in my spirit. I wonder how can anyone survive through such pain, God save her! then next was Chinho...that one was like trying to slip away from me. totally bend over, refused to let me pray, but well I am too used to "rejection". Which evil spirits will want me to pray for them? Then next, terecia, vanessa...etc. And I saw the new friend tearing in one corner. I know God has touched her. Everyone was crying and tearing in the presence of God.

Very reluctantly, I have to end group 2. I feel His presence, so thick and tangible...I love you God! Thanks for everything. You are simply too amazing beyond description.

God, I am coming back. Without a doubt, I believe that I am coming back with more anointing than before. This brings me back to that night, when I have an encounter with that 'thing'. But guess its late...so I will write it another time.

Am: God, this is just the beginning, right?
God: Yes, just the starting.
Am: What do I have to do next?
God: Keep on going on.
Am: I am going to see more new things right?
God: Yes.
Am: So I am doing that for my whole life?
God: Yes
Am: Any other alternative
God: Yes, your choice
Am: I think this is the best road I have taken so far.
God: You are doing fine my child, trust me.
Am: OK, I trust you with all my heart.
God: That is good enough to hear.
Am: I love you
God: I love you too.
Am: Thank you for everything
God: I am more than enough for you.
Am: Nite.
God: Nite.

A day has ended, but a new journey begins.