Bare it out with God...

My heart seems heavy tonight. Unexplainable mixed emotions.
Have you ever feel like you are at a cross between life and death?
Or I should say a cross between extreme happiness and sadness? That’s how I feel.
Who can understand? The heart of someone who feels extremely bad for all the wrong things that she has done and yet live in extreme grace of the living GOD? Or am I just truly confused?

Someone say there is a ‘heart song’ in all of us. What heart song do I have in me tonight?

I do not know. At the crossroad of extreme ends of emotions, what am I supposed to write tonight? I do not wish to write about the extreme happiness in me, neither do I wish to write about the extreme sadness I have. And I realized that when I ruled both emotions out, I have none left to write, and this seems a rather silly entry.

Am: God, I am feeling confused
God: Why?
Am: Because I am sad but I just cant cry, I am happy but I cant smile.
God: Who say u cant cry? And who say u cant smile?
Am: ……No one……
God: I give you tears for a purpose, you can cry, but once you finish crying tonight, pick yourself up and rejoice at what I have prepare for you.
Am: with tears flowing…God I want to pick myself up again. I want to be more positive and rejoice at what you have placed in front of me. There is still a dream in me yet to be fulfilled. Can I fulfill that?
God: Yes. If you trust in me.
Am: I do and always will because you never lie to me. Today was a good day. The drama was good. The people are really great…
God: I think today is a great day as well. Everyday is a good day. Pick yourself up Amber and run this race together with me. I will be at the end waiting for you. One day you will see me face to face in heaven. But from now till then, Holy Spirit will stay by your side to guide you to run this race. This might be a very long run for you, but soon enough, you will find yourself running the last few laps and eventually it will end. But from now till the end of the race, there are certain things you have to do. I need you to focus and finish what I need you to do quickly. Disciple the new generation well. They will do far greater works and you shall see the miracles that they will perform. Do not be weary for in due season you will reap not thirty fold but a hundred fold.
Am: God thank you. I feel much better now. I will do what you want me to do. See ya soon.

Heart Song for Tonight

If I could ever live my life one more time, I would pray that I would have a chance to know you earlier. There are many things I will not have done it in the past, if only I knew that there is a God who love and believe in me. Some lessons in life seem too high a price to pay, but without paying such a high price, how do I learn?

Love Amber